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Post by Soupy on Feb 1, 2010 7:34:56 GMT -6
Now, this is the logo I've been lookin' for..... I'll show them CPR boys ! |
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Post by Soupy on Feb 1, 2010 7:49:20 GMT -6
The LOVE DRESS !
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.
'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
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Post by 4rum on Feb 1, 2010 8:54:03 GMT -6
Good lookin cat. They's some awful good eatin' on one o' them boys. Can't wait till all the good batter, rub and breading recipes start comin' in.
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Post by 4rum on Feb 3, 2010 16:09:41 GMT -6
Nurse told me I had acute appendicitis, so I told her ...
"Well yer boobs are real nice".
;D
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Post by Soupy on Feb 3, 2010 20:57:05 GMT -6
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large boobs.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him..
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again....
I don't write 'em I just post 'em... Thanks to one of our members, I got me a good laugh tonight.
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sillybilly
Full Member
A special league for special kids
Posts: 109
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Post by sillybilly on Feb 5, 2010 17:26:26 GMT -6
Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish; you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
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Post by wildmaninreed on Feb 5, 2010 19:40:28 GMT -6
THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And that's when the fight started ....................................................
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered..
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" ... See More... See More
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started ...
.......................................................
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said...
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started...
.....................................................
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage...
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The
weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....
...................................................
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The
woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to
his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up
to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started.....
..................................................
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream...
And that's when the fight started.....
...............................................
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
...................................................
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself..."
And that's when the fight started....
................................................
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend..
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since..'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And that's when the fight started....
......................................................................
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age..
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started......
.............................................
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station..
And that's when the fight started.....
..............................................
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....
...............................................
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...
...............................................
My girlfriend asked me what she should get tattooed over the crack of her ass.... I said "How about Evel Knievel jumping it." ...and thats when the fight started....
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rayc
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by rayc on Feb 5, 2010 23:57:18 GMT -6
The last one is the best one!
Ray
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Post by 4rum on Feb 6, 2010 6:40:12 GMT -6
Mornin' Ray...
I liked this one ..................
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sillybilly
Full Member
A special league for special kids
Posts: 109
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Post by sillybilly on Feb 6, 2010 18:11:31 GMT -6
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap...
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Never Argue with a Woman !
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Post by 4rum on Feb 6, 2010 18:45:44 GMT -6
... never had a chance, did he ?
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sillybilly
Full Member
A special league for special kids
Posts: 109
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Post by sillybilly on Feb 15, 2010 7:28:34 GMT -6
Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women
Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
Boats don't have parents.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Boat with your friends.
If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.
If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.
If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.
You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.
If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
Boats don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.
And my personal favorite...... Boats don't mind if you ride them hard all day while drinking beer wirh your buddies, and then fall asleep on top of them.........boats understand their place in life !
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Post by Soupy on Feb 16, 2010 9:12:01 GMT -6
And that's why I love my boat !
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Post by Soupy on Feb 23, 2010 1:32:11 GMT -6
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?' asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. Did you help him? She asks
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?', calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband
'Over here on the swing!', replies the drunk.
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Post by Soupy on Feb 23, 2010 1:35:56 GMT -6
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
All of a sudden,the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
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