Jokes, Cartoons, Funnies

[Soupy]

One more before I go to bed...



Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?








I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit” and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his cabinet.....

[Soupy]

Well.... One more.



A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[Soupy]

Never Lose Your Grandson!





A heartwarming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

[blackhorse]

Ain't that something, I like that stuff too!!!!!!!!!!

[Soupy]

Mar 1, 2010 5:58:06 GMT -6 @blackhorse said:

Ain't that something, I like that stuff too!!!!!!!!!!

I did too,'til it got ta likin' me more than I liked it (or too much!) Been dry goin' on 4 years now.....
Boy , It's a different world out there now.Them other things..... I still like.

[Soupy]

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.


So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone....'This is our most rigorous program..'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'


He lost 63 pounds that week!!!!!!!!!!

[Soupy]

The Story of my life in a nut shell.




The Story of my Life in a nut shell !

[Soupy]

Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months,
my wife became very agitated with me. She suggested I go and do something to occupy my time, like join a club or get a hobby. I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, Oh, I just went down to
the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You crazy old coot, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[Soupy]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're certainly wondering now..
Have a nice day! ..

[Soupy]

This one is for Ray and all the rest of you fire fighters out there.

Little Firefighter


If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Soupy]

Texas Beer Joint Sues a Church

In a small Texas town, ( Mt. Vernon ) Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business.
The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers..
Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork.
At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

[Soupy]

Thought for today:


After Monday and Tuesday


Even the Calendar says


W T F

[sillybilly]

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you ?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."